When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

1. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!
2. I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
3. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

• Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.
• Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!
• Dad didn't leave… When he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!

I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. Ahoy hoy? That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! Please do not offer my god a peanut. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

D'oh. I didn't get rich by signing checks. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story."

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Save me, Jeebus. Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Inflammable means flammable? What a country.

Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?